[PRE]

You’re listening to episode number five of The Identity Factor podcast. This episode might strike a nerve because you’re going to discover how your relationships are simply a reflection of YOU. If you’re unhappy in your relationships, whether it’s with a friend, significant other, family member, or business partner… I’m here to tell you… it’s either your fault, or that person just isn’t meant to be in your life. The good news is, I’m about to teach you what you can do to start improving your relationships TODAY.

 

[INTRO]

 

Hi there, I’m Anthony Serino and by joining this podcast, you’ve started a life-changing journey with me as your guide. You’re now also part of a community of like-minded individuals who light this world with passion. As a high performance coach and expert in habit modification I’ve worked with amazing individuals from all over the world who have transformed their lives from within . As you listen to this podcast, you’re going to get an inside look at my science-based approach to transformation.

 

[BODY]

 

My first question for you… are you with the right person?

 

And you may be thinking… well, Anthony… that’s why I’m here listening to this episode, because I don’t KNOW if I’m with the right person. 

 

But let me first clarify… when I ask… are you with the right person? I don’t just mean your significant other or spouse… I’m also referring to your friends, your business partners, and even your family.

 

Oh… and this episode IS NOT going to be some fluffy relationship advice commentary… because quite frankly that’s not how I help people. I help people by helping them help themselves. And my goal with this podcast as a whole is to empower you. I want to facilitate your transformation while you’re at the wheel. I’m simply the GPS system. You’re the hero of your own story.

 

So this episode WILL help you gain clarity and assist you in answering your own questions yourself. Because you already have the answers inside you… whether you’re consciously aware of it or not…  your brain already has access to ALL the information it needs to make the correct decision about ANYTHING. And that isn’t hyperbole… it’s science

 

Okay… so are with the right person? 

Well, I sure as hell don’t know, but let me provide some perspective. And trust me, a lot of this is going to resonate with you.

 

For the most part… I AM going to focus on actual relationships… like with your boyfriend girlfriend, spouse or whatever. But the same principles Im about to discuss can absolutely be applied to any other sort of relationship you have with someone. 

 

Before we get into whether or not someone is right for you… let’s talk about something that pops up a lot when working with clients. And a quick note, I’m not a marriage counselor or therapist, but I work with peak performers from all over the world and my approach to coaching is all encompassing… meaning… , let’s say, a professional basketball player comes to me to improve their mental game on the court, or they get triggered by their coach, or any number of things they deal with when it comes to basketball.. 

 

I’m always going to look at their life OFF the court as well. Because, as they say, “how you do anything is how you do everything.” And if someone is having difficulty performing on the basketball court… or in the office… or in their business… I can guarantee there’s work to be done in at least one other area of their life… usually that’s their health and fitness and nearly always their personal relationships.

 

All that to say, after working with countless clients from all demographics, I’ve heard A LOT about relationships.

 

Ok so… the thing that pops up a lot… and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this… “Anthony… he just triggers me… he’ll do this thing that I just absolutely can’t stand” or “I just get triggered when so and so is even just in the room”

 

Or whatever trigger someone might have. And we’ve all been there, but here’s what I want to say… anytime you’re triggered… YOU are passing judgement on someone or something.

 

And let’s step back for a second… let me ask you… who or what triggers you? Think about that for a moment. And as you scan your mind for all of those different triggers… ironically… you may actually start getting triggered..

 

But as you look at those triggers now, ask yourself this question… who am I judging?

 

When my boyfriend leaves is clothes on the floor instead of putting them in the hamper… or my wife always asks too many questions when I get home from work… or whatever your significant other does or doesn’t do.

 

Like I just said… when you are triggered… you are passing judgement on someone or something. 

 

And if you flinched when I said that… that’s okay… but it’s an absolute truth you must come to understand. 

 

So let’s talk about what I hear often as a lot of people’s biggest trigger… disrespect.

 

And disrespect means different things to different people. I know I feel disrespected when I hold the door for someone and they don’t say thank you. And of course that disrespect use to trigger me… and of course it meant I was judging that person for what they didn’t do. 

 

But so many people are triggered when they are disrespected. And what usually happens, especially in relationships? Because they were triggered, their response is to disrespect the person who disrespected them in the first place.

 

And this may be you… and you probably don’t even realize you’re disrespecting that other person.

 

And the funny thing about it is… the very thing you were triggered about is the same thing you do in response to getting triggered.

 

This is why it’s SO important… perhaps the most important thing… is to really take a long hard look at the level of respect on both sides of your relationship. And I get it… a lot of people don’t show respect because they’re angry… but I’m here to tell you there’s another way.

 

Okay so what happens when we’re triggered? We’re really making an interpretation about that other person’s behavior. For example… holding the door… and this may be a cultural thing in here the US… but let’s say you’re walking out of a restaurant and you hold the door for the guy behind you. And he just hurries through the door with his head down, looking at his cell phone, and doesn’t say a peep.

 

And if you’re like I was… you’d pause for second… and think “did that asshole really not say thank you?”

 

And you’re like “who the hell raised this guy?” “Did he not even see me holding the door?” or whatever knee jerk reaction you have which is really just your interpretation of his behavior. 

 

But what if you’re walking toward your car… and there’s that guy standing in the parking lot talking on his cell phone… and you overhear his conversation… and you piece together that he just got news his mother passed away…

 

And then it registers with you that he was rushing out of the restaurant to take that important call. 

 

What happens? That trigger almost instantly diminishes or disappears. Meaning, your perception and interpretation of that person’s behavior and the situation changed because you now have new information.

 

So of course… what were you doing when you held that door for that guy and got triggered initially. You were JUDGING. And then as soon as you let go of that judgement because of what you overheard in the parking lot… your trigger went away.

 

The key take away here is that when you control your judgement, you control your triggers.

 

I hear so often people say “my mom just triggers me whenever she’s around” or “my boyfriend triggers me”... and this is what you really need to understand, and really start take responsibility for your own life here, but when someone triggers you… IT’S NEVER about the other person, it’s about you and your judgements. 

 

Once you wrap your mind around that, I promise you, your relationships, and your life in general, will start improving dramatically. 

 

Oh, and something else before we move on… when you let other people trigger you… they own you because you are allowing them to affect your internal world. You’re allowing them to take your energy… and this is why… for those you who are constantly triggered, day in and day out, you come home from work , and you say things like “I’m so exhausted”.. It’s been such a long, hard day. And that is simply because you’ve let people or situations take your energy…

 

And “energy” isn’t some woo woo mystical word or force… we are basically like oversized batteries made up of water and electricity. I’m not going to get into it here, and I imagine if you’re the type of person who would listen to a podcast like this, then you already know this at some level, but our brain and body can only function as a result of the ENERGY we harness.

 

Alright so, I’ll dive into the consequences of judgement in a future episode, but like I said, your most important takeaway here… and you might want to write this down… is “when you control your judgement, you control your triggers… and when you control your triggers, other people can’t control you.

 

Now, the title of this episode is “Your Relationships Reflect You” and I want to talk about what I mean by that. Because if you’ve been with me for any amount of time, whether by listening to earlier episodes, or interacting with our private Facebook group, you’ve probably started to understand the model I work from… and that is … everything you have or don’t have in this life is a direct result of who and how you are being.

 

If this doesn’t sound familiar to you, then either you weren’t paying attention, or you haven’t listened to the first couple episodes. Either way, go back and start at episode number one even if you’ve already listened to it. Repetition is the key to learn anyways and your brain filters out most of what you hear the first time around anyways… so just go back and give the other episodes a listen.

 

Okay, so basically… everything in your life is a mirror… including your relationships. 

 

And as you hear me say that, think about a relationship you have in your life and ask yourself… “how does this relationship reflect who I am?”

 

Because most people default to judging (oh there’s that word again) what the state of their relationship says about the OTHER person and what the other person is doing or not doing. They think “you’re not this” or you’re not the type of guy… or whatever…”

 

Or they think “it has nothing to do with me… and I chose to be in a relationship with you, but I can’t take how you’re being or what you’re doing” 

 

And then they search for validation as to whether or not that other person is “right” for them… 

 

Listen… if you’re wondering if someone is right for you… the only person who can answer that… is YOU. I don’t know your story… I can’t see or understand the thousands of experiences you’ve had up until now that have shaped your beliefs and interpretations about life and relationships. 

 

And no one can… not me, not a therapist, not your parents, not your BFF.

 

BUT what I can do, is help provide clarity so that YOU can make the best decision all on your own. 

 

And here’s where I shine with my clients… I don’t know if you can picture me patting myself on my own back… but seriously… what I’m really good at is helping others get clarity… and I do that by asking the right questions. 

 

Because YOU already have the resources, the knowledge, and the understanding inside you. I just help you unleash all of it. 

 

Shit most people are already experts on their issue before they ever come to see me… I mean come on.. It’s 2020… we all have a diploma from Google University… the girl who wants to lose weight… she already knows what her nutrition and workout routine needs to be, she knows everything about calories and the KETO diet. The smoker already knows all the statistics about the health risks… and they’ve researched all the patches and gum and all the other tricks to quit. 

 

But that brings me to the big throughline of this podcast… even if you know what you have to do… if you’re not the type of person to do those things… you’ll never be able to do them consistently for any significant period of time. 

 

Alright where were we… I went on a bit of a tangent there.

 

So clarity around relationships…

 

Let me ask you this… what are your expectations about your relationship? And really what you should ask yourself is… do I expect my relationship to be perfect?

 

And let me get this out of the way… no relationship is 100% perfect… and no ONE person is 100% perfect.

 

I see all these social media posts with hashtags like hashtag relationship goals… and it’s always some romanticized story or illustration about the quote un quote perfect relationship… or perfect guy or whatever. 

 

And it sets this expectation that a relationship needs to be some sort of fairytale. And let’s say you have that expectation… what happens? You find yourself in a relationship and things start to get a little rocky… and then you compare the state of your relationship to your unrealistic expectation of that fairytale. 

 

So what false expectations do you have about your relationship? About your marriage? About that business relationship even… and what expectations do you have of your partner?

 

And more importantly how do those expectations affect how YOU show up in that relationship?

 

It’s funny… well not really funny… it’s sad kind of… because most people never really consider how they are showing up… or how they’re being in a relationship.. And how that affects everything. And usually this is because people are afraid of being alone. So they take a random puzzle piece and try to make it fit. And they try to alter that puzzle piece until it does fit… but what happens if you were take two puzzle pieces and alter one or both of them so they could fit together… you ruin the big picture.. And it can never be what you expected it to be.. 

 

And like I said… no relationship or person is perfect. And you’re not perfect. But there is always someone out there who’s piece matches up with yours.. And like a puzzle… it’s the voids in your own pieces that are filled theirs, and vice versa… that complete a beautifully imperfect picture. 

 

Wow I really went hard on that puzzle analogy huh?

 

Ok, I’m guessing by now… you’re beginning to understand what I mean when I say your relationship is a reflection of you. Whether it’s because of you judging someone… or having unrealistic expectations… your internal world is affecting your external world. 

 

And it’s your responsibility, if you’re not happy with what you have in life, to shift and control your internal world… your ways of being… your identity…

 

Here’s the thing… you learned to be the type of spouse, or girlfriend, or mother or husband that you are… every belief and perception about relationships, you’ve learned from what you’ve experienced in your past.

 

And you’ve learned how to communicate with others…

 

This is where I see the biggest issues coming up in relationships… it’s with communication. And I’m sure this isn’t the first time you’re hearing this… but communication is vital for a healthy, sustainable relationship.

 

And when people are having these issues, it’s because they haven’t learned how to communicate appropriately. Maybe they get triggered easily and they get angry… and when we get angry we start disrespecting whoever we are angry with. And we lose sight of the love we’ve had for that person. 

 

This is where we circle back to triggers and how important is to learn how to control what and who triggers you.. Because inevitably, these triggers lead to a breakdown in communication. 

 

__________

 

So I’ve been bouncing around a lot and touching on a number of different things here. And honestly, there’s so much to talk about in regards to relationships that I feel like I should do a whole mini series on this stuff. I mean relationships are just such a vital part of our existence and they can either amplify the good or amplify the bad. Geez, just think about how much thought and energy you give your relationships… if that shit aint solid, you’re going to get worn out. 

 

But back to your relationship being a reflection of you… and when I say you… I mean your identity.. The type of person you are… the type of person you learned to be. And the types of behaviors you learned. 

 

If you’ve listened to previous episodes you might recall learning that a vast majority our identity, which includes are beliefs, habits, and perceptions… our brain developed before the age of ten or so because, at that age, we have not yet fully developed the structures of our brain responsible for conscious, analytical filtration of external information.

 

All this to say, your previous relationships, especially the ones you had as a young kid, have become the blueprint for the relationships you have now as an adult. And because of this fact… this is why we are often emotionally immature in our relationships. Because your brain is handling current situations with the same programs it developed when you were 5 or 6 years old.

 

Let’s say… for example… as a kid… your parents weren’t around a lot… or they were always busy working… or perhaps you have siblings… and you always had to fight for your parents attention. And as a kid, you got emotional, maybe threw a fit or acted out to cause a scene… and all of a sudden you got attention…

 

Well, apply that to your relationships as an adult. 

 

Perhaps your spouse or partner works a lot of hours and has to give a lot of their attention to their job or their business… and honestly I see this a lot with super achievers like entrepreneurs and athletes who are passionate about what they do… but they work a lot of hours … and their eye is always on the prize..

 

Ok, so that’s your boyfriend or wife or whoever... and you feel like you’re not getting the attention you think you deserve. 

 

And instead of sitting down calmly, being mature, and communicating your wants and needs appropriately… you lash out and start acting in ways that will get you attention.. And the things you start doing are often things that trigger your significant other to get a response. 

 

Of course, this doesn’t make you a bad person, you’re running on outdated programming. And it’s all automatic, subconscious behavior that you’ve learned from a young age. But if you don’t change the way you’re being… it’s going to just keep becoming a vicious cycle every time.. Because you’ll lash out, they’ll get triggered, they get angry and start disrespecting you and then you disrespect them and on and on and on it goes.

Wooooo okay… I think that’s enough relationship talk for one episode… but of course, let’s bring it home by asking… what was the aha factor for you this episode? What made you instantly start looking at your relationships differently? What was the light bulb moment for you this time.

 

Perhaps it really changed your perspective when you heard that when you let other people trigger you, you’re letting them control you… or maybe you’re now realizing it’s YOUR expectations that are affecting your relationship. 

 

But either way… let me throw one last question in here… because, as we started with… most people want to know if someone is right for them… but… are YOU right for that person…

Well that’s it for episode number 5 of the identity factor podcast… I threw A LOT at you and I know I gave you some food for thought. So, please, let this all marinate and send me some feedback. I’m really looking forward to hearing your thoughts on these episodes. Oh, and you’ll want to subscribe if you haven’t already, because next week’s episode is all about the habit of anxiety… yep, you heard that right… anxiety is a habit.. Stay tuned.

[Outro]

If you’re the type of person who likes to get involved in a community of like-minded individuals come join our group Inside The Identity Factor on Facebook. Also, stay up to date with the latest content by following me on Instagram. If you have questions, I’m here to help. You can email me at [email protected] and I may even feature your question on an upcoming episode! 

 

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Thanks for being here.